Friday, July 14, 2017

Growing Our Family

It's been over a month ago now that I found out I am expecting another sweet little babe. It maybe from my lack of sleep or exhaustion from battling my toddler, who is just on the cusp of entering into his terrible twos, but I'm just now slowly beginning to wrap my head around it. I don't feel pregnant other than the occasional nausea that rears it's ugly head and the fact that I pee about every 30 minutes, but I'm excited--really excited. This pregnancy is different, though. When I was pregnant with Jackson, I talked to him and rubbed my belly it seemed like all day long, but with this baby I just feel so disconnected from my body. Please read that again carefully this time--disconnected from my body...not the baby. It's almost as if I can't feel the changes happening this time around or maybe it's just that I'm so busy chasing around my full-of-life toddler that I'm not able to feel the changes. Every now and then, I feel guilty about it, but I quickly remind myself that the person who I was when I was pregnant with Jackson just isn't me anymore. I've been through the process, through the excitement of seeing daily changes in my pregnancy app, reading all the birthing books I could get my hands on, giving birth (well, okay, more like worked hard for 40+ hours and then had him surgically birthed), watched him go through the newborn stages, and now I chase after a toddler who likes to pull hair, give slobbery kisses, tells me "No Mo, Mama" a hundred times a day, and still latches onto me for "mama milk".  Not that going through all of that has taken away from this new baby, but it really makes it different this time around. I have distractions that I didn't have before.

I do pray for this babe and dream about him/her. We even have names picked out! So, yes, I do care--I care very, very much. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this sweet little surprise. We prayed that this day would come soon, but we never expected it to come as quickly as it did. We prayed for God to guide us through our trials and this babe is an answer to that prayer. Even if it was an answer that we weren't expecting. His timing is better than our own--His timing makes sense even if in the moment it doesn't feel like it. I'm grateful that my body is able to grow and nurture another precious human. I don't take this experience lightly. It's a grand gift to be able to grow life.

I want to document these thoughts, these moments of figuring life out as a mama of 2 to babes two and under, and I want this blog to be a place where people can come to relate or just read about another person's experience of motherhood. Motherhood has been the greatest gift. I've learned more in these last two years than I did in my life before kids. My hope is that this blog can help to encourage a community that laughs together, cries together, shares triumphs and failures with one another, and finds joy through it all. Being a parent is messy and hard, but it chips away at the selfishness and flaws all the while changing all that we are inside helping us to become better people each day.