Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Healing After Birth

There is a lot more than just physical healing that takes place after birth--there's mental healing too. 

The thought of a cesarean never crossed my mind. I read every natural birth book possible so surely I would be able to avoid the unnecessary clutches of the operating room, right? Absolutely not. I had the false impression that I could choose to avoid it, but after 40 hours of unmedicated labor and 2 strenuous hours of pushing I realized I wasn't in control mentally --my body physically needed the cesarean to deliver Jackson safely. I never mentally prepared for a csection recovery...I didn't even know what that recovery looked like, but I found myself fully emerged in one. 

Physically I was sore, but well pumped full of percasets. With tubes hanging off my every limb, uncontrollable itchy skin, and engorged breasts I laid in bed dependent on the nursing staff and my husband. I was tired mentally, physically and emotionally. 

It's been several weeks now, a month in 2 days time, and I still consider myself in recovery. I've hit several spells of the baby blues and my incision still aches from time to time. The baby blues are scary and the emotions come in waves. I wake from nightmares of the labor and csection. I'm still processing it and I'm still a little frightened of my scar. It took two weeks for me to even glance at it for the first time and I still cringe every time I rub my hand over it in the shower. I know it's a mark of love, but for me it's still a mark of fear. 

With time comes healing, the falling away of fear, and the love of the memory. But for now it's simply just the healing. My body was changed, molded, strengthened, and blessed through the birth of my son. He's healthy, strong, and so beautiful. Every ounce of the pain and healing I would gladly experience again for him. 

I'll love my body mentally and physically again someday, but for now I'm simply healing.